For my day job, I volunteered to read Mark Regnerus' new book Cheap Sex: The Transformation of Men, Marriage and Monogamy for LSN. I read it on the bus to and from the hospital and, when I wasn't staring anxiously at him, at my husband's hospital bed.
I wrote a workmanlike article on it, but I wasn't happy. What I really wanted to do was right a proper blog for Single girls. So the next day I did exactly that and sent it in to the editors.
Here it is.
Cheap Sex is a bit depressing, but it's very well written and absorbing. It doesn't pull its punches, and it will give you a good idea of what on earth is going on in the USA (and probably Canada) today. In short, this is not your fault--unless you're cohabiting with some guy, or travelling around the world sleeping with random men, of course. Then you are indeed part of the problem.
I'm glad I read your blog post first, or I'd have probably blown my top again, about yet another article telling us to do the same things we're already doing. But as you even summarized it "this is not our fault" and so... Man it's just so depressing at times...
ReplyDeleteFound it last night on LSN and I think you and Mr Regnerus are absolutely spot on. I wish it weren't the case....
ReplyDeleteThree cheers for BA coming home! God is so good.
It rather reminds me of this video about the economic (without touching on morality) realities of supply/demand: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO1ifNaNABY
ReplyDeleteI saw some acronyms I wished weren't crossovers into this part of the 'sphere...
ReplyDeleteYes, a lot of women are part of the problem. What I've told young unmarried women before is don't give out the rights reserved to a husband without marriage-- sex, cohabitation, children, etc.
About #5. I know of another blogger whose eldest daughter works and has taken it upon herself to use her occupation as a means to prepare for married life. That means if and when she marries, she can bring financial help to the table when she stays home with children. She's aware she might find a man who's not a college graduate, but her mother has taught her character and spiritual maturity count.
I wish I could be as forward as you are with #5. A lot of women get insulted and think their Ph.D.'s, incomes, and intellect somehow affords them to "deserve" more. Nope. No one in this life "deserves" anything. Instead of thinking about what they deserve, they should think about how they can treat single men with dignity. But, they're sometimes the same women who get upset when people are celebratory toward women having babies, but don't show the same enthusiasm when they graduated with a Ph.D.
In some areas of the 'sphere, there's this idea of hypergamy, which states that women will always want to marry up. There's probably an element of truth with that in #5, but in these days sometimes "marrying up" means marrying for a strong spiritual life and a man who will do the right thing. A lot of women don't realize it's possible to be high income, but morally bankrupt.
Good article. The p0rn issue scares me stupid. P0rn consumption is a deal-breaker for me. Sadly that does reduce my chances of finding someone I'd like to marry, but oh well. I'm not prepared to compromise on this issue, especially because at least some people who use p0rn end up using ch!ld p0rn, and I'm not prepared to risk having and raising children with someone who might be a ch!ld p0rn user.
ReplyDeleteJulia
Thanks for the review! I'm going to give that book to my Mom and hope that it will stem the tide of questions about whether I am against marriage.
ReplyDeleteGreat article, though very depressing. On the p0rn issue, I think a distinction should be made concerning a man had a p0rn issue in the past but no longer watches it vs. someone who is getting help quitting it vs. one who is just fine watching it/maybe even thinks its good or whatever. Current p0rn consumption from someone who has no intention of quitting should absolutely be a deal-breaker. Current p0rn consumption from someone who is actively seeking to quit is a reason to post-pone a wedding but perhaps not a deal-breaker (depending on the circumstances, maybe it is!). Past p0rn consumption... well, no, especially if they are getting/having gotten help in re-framing what a healthy sexuality should look like. Which may take some time.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, there are still a few good men who have never watched p0rn.
Been saying a lot of prayers for you and BA! So glad he is home.
I agree with you on all points. It may be difficult for the under-40 set to meet more than a few men their age who have NEVER seen porn.
DeleteI cannot stress enough how Single women should stop assuming it's "their fault" that they are not married--that they are or have done something that puts men off them. If they have lots of friends and have no trouble getting and keeping jobs and by any measure are excellent members of society, then it is very safe to assume that the problem really is social factors discouraging men from becoming marriageable, courting women and marrying.
The answer to "why aren't you married" could be, "I don't want to marry a man who watches porn, doesn't make enough money to live on and expects women to chase him."