Wednesday 4 October 2017

Lessons Learned by Formerly Long-Term Singles

The flock is greatly scattered, but some of my long-term readers have been reading for up to ten years. Many long-term Singles have been married for a few years. Some have had babies. Some have had major struggles: getting the doctorate finished, fertility issues, unemployment, illness, children's illness, husband's illness....

Any residual sadness about being Single has disappeared, but only to be replaced by other kinds of sadness! And this leads me to an open question: what do my now-married, formerly long-term Single readers wish they could have told their long-term Single selves? 

This is not at all to denigrate the sadness and feelings of anxiety felt by long-term Singles who want to marry, or become sisters/nuns/brothers/monks/priests, or at very least settle their what-is-my-vocation anxiety once and for all. That is--and was--very real. 

It is merely to prepare the Single for what could lie ahead. 

For me, my number one lesson would be "Don't assume you can get the same medical help (for fertility issues or anything else) in Scotland that you would get in Toronto." 

I couldn't begin to express how easier life would be for me, if not B.A., if we lived in Toronto right now. However, I don't want to dwell too much on that, or I will get extremely depressed. When I ask myself how I get up in the morning, my answer is "Coffee." If I weren't addicted to coffee, I would still be in bed. 

Okay, time to work. 


11 comments:

  1. Along those lines, mine would be: don't ignore your mental health and assume that once you marry, anxiety and/or depression will just disappear. We've had a long year as I've learned to manage mine after a horrible bout with anxiety and panic flared up just after our first anniversary. It's finally under control, thanks be to God, but if I'd gone into marriage armed with the tools I have now, it would have been smoother sailing. (it wasn't the anniversary that caused the flare, but some uncertainties re: jobs and things)

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    1. Oh my gosh, Margaret. Your comment sounds as though I could have written it...but I'm a completely different Margaret with the same issues.

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  2. I always feel shy saying this, but going into marriage I wish I would have understood that libido varies by individual, and that while as a general statement men are more interested in sex than women, that does not mean that your husband will be ready to have sex at any moment that you might beckon. Just like how sometimes he'll initiate and you won't be in the mood for whatever reason, the same can happen in the other direction, and it's not a big deal.

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  3. God will send you the right man at the right time and you will experience great joy but you will be called to great service. And it won't just be "cook dinner every night" kind of service but helping your husband through his serious challenges of life. So your joy will be doubled but so will the challenges. And you will catch every cold he ever gets but strangely he won't catch yours!

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  4. Polish-American long-time reader7 October 2017 at 11:54

    Continued prayers for you and BA!

    For me, I would've told my single self to get more educated on 'adult' issues, like finances, mortgages, retirement accounts, tax deductions, etc. I never really paid attention to those and although my husband is good with money, we have very different saving/spending philosophies (plus cultural differences). Having more in-depth knowledge of the system in my country would be enormously helpful and helped avoid conflict.

    I also wish I had spent more time with my parents and siblings and enjoyed that time more. I didn't realize how much harder it would be to plan visits to see them now that there are 2 schedules and 2 budgets to consider. And I wish I would've realized what a blessing it was that my parents were healthy. Now that my father struggles with a neurodegenerative disease, it's very painful to be far away and unable to help them. It was much easier to get on a plane and go see them when it was just me, and much easier to earmark money to help their needs when it was just me.

    It's also hard to find community if you are a married Catholic in your 30s with no children.

    All this just after 1 year of a nonetheless beautiful marriage :)

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  5. I have now been married for a little over a year and it has been pretty tough. There were a few factors - depression being a prominent one. But also having to get used to putting someone else first and no longer making all the decisions that you were used to making as a single person. If I could speak to my younger single self I would say to her - focus on developing your character as much as possible. Practice patience, unselfishness, make a habit of doing things for other people, think of yourself less. This will make the transition into married life so much easier.

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  6. Thank you all for these wise comments! Sorry I'm so late putting them up. It's just one of those things lately.

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  7. I'd tell myself to get serious about my finances and start saving.
    I'd tell myself that having a husband doesn't solve loneliness, especially when you move away to get married.
    I'd tell myself not to take good health for granted.

    Aussie girl in NZ

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    1. A definite "YES!" to all three of those. I've been lucky to make some great friends in Edinburgh. It did take years to find women with my interests and values, though. Catholics are a small minority in Edinburgh, and most Scottish women seem to have all the friendships they need by the time they are 30.

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  8. I have made it to almost 60 still single. I (delusionally) still hope to marry, but the pain of singleness has been seared into my soul such that any disappointment or difficulty in marriage would pale in comparison. I've had to face so much disappointment and hardship alone that even sudden widowhood could not possibly compare, much less quibbles about finances, lovemaking scheduled, or anything else. We enter this life alone and we' leave alone, so I say enjoy the chaos that marriage brings.

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    1. I'm so sorry for your pain. That sounds just terrible.

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