Riverdale Outrageously Appropriates My Culture

Poor Addicted Seraphic 

This morning I took to the internet to find out if other people are have my substance abuse problem, the substance being "Riverdale". It was a relief to find it described as a "phenomenon" and discover that college kids leave clubs in time to get back to the dorm to watch it. Also a relief: the average age of viewers is 42.

Various entertainment writers ponder why the show is such a hit amongst todays TV-adverse teens, but so far none of them mention dopamine-induced-by-rapid-editing-and-music. But among the various theories is that the "Riverdale" writing team reads internet commentary by fans on the series and tailors their writing accordingly.

Once again I should point out that "Riverdale" is not a show you want influencing your children. Possibly you should be 42 before you watch it, or at least old enough not to compare real-life love interests unfavourably to Archie and Jughead.

Critics seem most disturbed by the astonishingly horrible (but creative!) punishment Jughead and the under-18 wing of the Southside Serpents mete upon the gang's super-crooked female lawyer. However, I think it very unlikely that the vast majority of today's children are ever going to be tempted into such scenarios. They will, however, have to cope with a world that worships sex, and all the teenagers in Riverdale worship sex: ordinary sex, same-sex sex, dressing up in costumes sex.

(Pregnancy, by the way, is a mysterious thing that just happens to the occasional girl, like being pooped on by a pigeon flying overhead.)

Sex as Religion

In Riverdale sex is a religion with excellent ecumenical dialogue between most of its branches. Sex without love is a-okay, if that's your thing, but the attitude of Riverdale's heroes towards actual prostitution remains ambiguous. The old-fashioned kind is considered extremely icky, whereas internet stuff is, somehow, merely edgy. Darling Betty, who is supposed to be the Good Girl, is drawn to the dark cult of stranger sex, as long as it is just online.

(Is a passionate relationship with the tortured leader of the Southside Serpent Under-18's not enough? Dear heavens.)

But for some reason, which I still cannot comprehend, the writers of ""Riverdale" have decided to introduce a rival religion to sex, without actually daring to underscore its formerly famous ethical objections to sex between anyone but the married.  That rival religion is, of course, Catholicism.

It is, however, Catholicism as few Catholics would recognise it.

In Season One, we see flashes of gold crosses on Betty and Betty's mother and, of course, an outrageously stereotyped--verging on a hate crime--Catholic home for unwed mothers and juvenile delinquents, complete with some nuns in post-Vatican 2 habits and others in pre-Vatican 2 habits. One gets the sense, however, that Betty and her family are not themselves Catholics. It's just that Catholics cornered the local homes for unwed mothers market twenty-five year years ago.

In Season Two the treatment of Catholicism becomes utterly ridiculous. We have the Latino Lodges to thank for this. Oh, and The Godfather, naturally.

1. Disrespect for the Queen of Heaven

First, when Veronica's mother goes to church to pray for a friend, she directs her gaze not towards the Blessed Sacrament or a crucifix, but to the worst statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary I have yet seen on television. The statue has big white eyes that I would find comical had I no love whatsoever for the BVM. As it is, I am aggrieved. Nobody would paint eyes like that on a portrait of Martin Luther King, Jr., so why is it okay to portray any Catholic saint, let alone the most important Catholic saint,  that way?

2. So, like, our Sacraments are sacred, you know? 

Second, when Veronica's parents decide she should be confirmed, it becomes immediately apparent that the writers have absolutely no idea what a Roman Catholic Confirmation is supposed to look like. It's as if they saw some Puppet Masses on Youtube and, while tossing the puppets, retained their spirit.

This could be why Veronica's Confirmation features a tailor-made white dress instead of an alb and Josie of Josie and the Pussy-Cats singing "Bittersweet Symphony" mid-way through Mass.

Reducing the Sacrament of Confirmation a Latino coming-of-age ritual is itself offensive, but this is mildly mitigated by the fact that in Latin America and the USA, Confirmation often is reduced to a Latino coming-of-age ritual.  However, there is no getting around the really horrible scenes around Veronica's reception of the Sacrament of Reconciliation and the Blessed Sacrament.

I fast-forwarded through most of Veronica's bizarre Confirmation Mass because I just couldn't bear it. Her Confession was horror enough. First, you would think that she might have mentioned all the premarital sex she'd had, but no. Mustn't frighten the audience by suggesting for a single second that there might have been something wrong with it. She doesn't go much into her Mean Girl past, either. Veronica's idea of sin is having disrespected her gangster parents a few times. She made a much better confession to Betty in Season One.

But what is seriously awful is that Veronica asks the walking stereotype Monsignor Murphy for counsel, and he refuses to give it to her. He just slaps her with a bunch of Hail Marys and Our Fathers, sketches an absolution, and that is that. From any Catholic point of view, this is outrageous.

And then Veronica takes Communion and rejects Satan, etc., etc., and a golden light LITERALLY shines on her from above.

3. Catholics as Superstitious Butt-covering Hypocrites  

Third, before Veronica's Confirmation, she has a sort of hen party with her female relations, who talk about how they depend on their Catholic faith for hope that their criminal husbands come home alive and to assuage their consciences for all the bad stuff that they do.

To quote the entire generation of North Americans Millennials, that is just SO offensive.

I cannot imagine how one attempts to convince the writers of "Riverdale" not to reduce the religion of over one billion people worldwide, whose rituals are not a secret and can be seen anywhere, to an offensive cartoon.  I am hoping that amongst the social media movers and shakers, there are devout Catholic fans who write "Come on, guys. Don't do that to my religion."

A Modest Proposal

Maybe Father James Martin, SJ, could stage an intervention, which is a mind-boggling thought, but when I think about it, he's the celebrity priest Hollywood is most likely to have heard of, isn't he?  And "Riverdale" is just weird enough that I can imagine Father Martin making a cameo appearance.

And to get the writers' attention, here's for the Google search: "Riverdale appropriates my culture."